pain is temporary. pride is forever.

hungersite click breastcancersite click childhealthsite click rainforestsite click animalrescuesite click.
last email/internet was last monday i think. been busy. doing what?
bread. doctors. dance. doug/amma/acchan time. nina/bhavish time.
yesterday i went climbing again. last saturday when i went, the shoes were too small and i couldnt get my mind off it to climb so really only my left toes hurt the next day. yesterday i ignored the shoes and climed Direct twice, and then attempted the route next to Tails of Power several times. so today every single muscle in my tender body hurts, except for the thigh muscles that are strong and bulging from dance. ow.
i kind of want to go again next week. wonder if i can pay ian and bernie a small fee to use their equipment and expertise.

when you feel like letting go, hooold on,
when you think you've had too much of this life, hang on,
cuz everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends
everybody hurts,
don thoooo yooo haannnnn ooooo naaa
don thooo yoooooooo hannnn
if you like yooo maaaan
no no no you're not alone

crying, my last brownie, sitting in the couch chair in anna and my room in zapata, crying, trying to enjoy the brownie before i did it, listening, crying with this song, this song stopped me.

Day 47
Moon 26ish

CleanedOutSentMail Excerpts

To Emma James, 5/17/04: it would be nice if i could just
friggin figure it out, but i'm doomed to a daily yo-yo between this that and the other imperative plan of action which never actually materializes.

To Jason Glick, 5/21/04:
dear J-man,
you're the first birth celebration promise i've broken. being online is not my forte right now, so email is scarce and sparing. since i havent checked my online calendar, goddess knows how many others i've missed since yours. please forgive me, and know that on may 9 i wished you across the seas?
sleep calls, email is being shut down without being looked at.
zzzzzzzz
love
me

To Maya, 5/30/04: good! i'm glad youre convincing yourself that things are better, cuz then things ARE better, i mean, if you think there's a spoon, there's a spoon, cuz really there are no such things as spoons and better and worse anyway. hahahahaha!! spoutage of nonsense, oh such fun to be had.
hmmm. i think i'm staying in singapore after i come back from india (will be there all the month of july). probably here in spore till december. then? would like to go to wsf, after stopping by in my friends post-capitalist restaurant in north brazil. hmmmm. would like to go to the moon for a shake and fries. hmmmm. would like to swing on a bamboo stalk attached by a dew drop.

To Travis Helms, 5/30/04: i was doing so much in school, never had any time for anything or anybody, that now is the time when i'm taking things day by day, having time to do things i want to do, and actually enjoy them becuase they're not so crowded that they become a burden instead of a joy. every day is different, stands on its own, not as just another calendar box to be crossed off. i dont have a real schedule. i am doinng
nothing that can be categorized by the usual names that people have for the function of an individual in society, as in, you know, career, job, etc. My main un-job job is being a daughter. My next main job is being a friend. Then i have little side jobs like being a dancer, recently also a dance teacher, astonishing is that is to me, being a secretary-ish thing,
sometimes a healer, etc. I also have an even more unjob job of being a surpriser and think-maker.
i have no idea what the hell i am and what the hell i will be.

To Dev Rana, 5/30/04 (in response to his email, below:
dev of devs,
what is the thousand points of Light re-appropriated from?
is not our future always open?
yup, did fine on that test. thank you for pshawing.
much love
mali
Dev Rana wrote:
You do have a charming way about you Mali. It's nice.
How wonderful to have the future open! Bangalore. Glasgow. Dance.
Yes, those who seek the light must shine a bit on each other, just to keep the courage strong. Thank you.
Dev.
(And pshaw - you'll do fine on that test!)

To Becca Hall, 5/30/04:
beccster.
you in north carolina yet? its almost june you know! goodness. time. space. fabric. soft yet scratchy sometimes. get a little wrapped up and stuck in it sometimes. othertimes its a gorgeous evening gown.
now in a situation to sometimes struggle with car issues. have access to the family car. in a completely car driven culture. have situations that create an excuse to use car with only me in it, like tomorrow, where i have to pick up my dance teacher before and drop her off after my class, and then sinnce i have the car i have to drive to work for organizing this conference thingy. gah. getting a bike soon. thats exciting. thatll be most awesome.
dancing lots. yes. tis good. heard that lauren's gang did a great dance piece back at the Farm, and that Ava's show went swimmingly as always.
do you ever miss the Farm?
sending the delicious shock that is filling my night air these stormy
days.
mali

To David Mishook, 6/3/04
heya david,
eaten any triscuits lately? or how about chickens? heehee!!
hmmm. so a couple days ago i tried to reply to your message, again, like yours, long overdue, and i thought i was appropriately located cuz i was in the office that i go to to help out with organization of the Performance Studies International conference happening here in june, which, what the heck, peggy phelan is coming to because she's the president of PSi. so yeah, i was going to write from there cuz i was just sitting and waiting for my next task, but then the computer (from which i'm writing right now, and who is called Mickey, and is pleased to meet you) went kaput. so message go bye bye.
so now me write another one. writing from my room which has a MUCH slower connection, but whatever dude, at least i have electricity, right? wihtout which i would die. i dont use my airconditioning, but i DO need the fan to sleep. this is singapore after all. i tried valiantly to go super-luddite and not even use a fan, but the heat-induced lack of sleep induced tiredness prevailed.
so ok. there's a slice of my life. it doesnt really describe a lot of it, and i've written a lot of nonsense for very little information, but you know thats how i am, so thatll have to do.
and you, Mr Manager slash director slash whatever other titles you hold heavy on your poor pasta eating shoulders?
mali

To Babaloush, 6/3/04:
hello dearie. tried calling on pinch and punch first day of the month day but SOMEONE was on the phone. but i still got you first so there. hmm. you couldnt sleep with amar there. what could that mean? did you hook up with him?!!!! hahahahahaha!! i knew it was bound to happen eventually. good. really good. if i'm right, what now? if i'm imagining things, ignore this paragraph, but tell me how the weekend was anyway. and tell me those bloody things you couldnt tell me then, because i'm sick of waiting on the edge of my seat!!! and. um. one of the reasons i wanted to call was because, although about two weeks ago i was absolutely sure that it would be a good idea to come to glasgow, i was still flip flopping back and forth, and then finally when i decided it was not a good idea for me to come, decided that i needed to stay here longer (august onwards, after i get back from india in late july) to keep building up my brain and body, especially now that i'm very slowly dragging my parents into my project of facing my bi-polar disorder, which, as much as i'm in control of it right now, could very easily spin out of control given the wrong environment, food, atmosphere, chemicals, weather, whatever. so yeah. i thought i was all set to come and live with you and that would make both you and me and everyone happy, but now i have to tell you to definitely look for another flatmate. i'm sorry, i reallllly realllly wanted to live with you, but that will have to wait for another time, i know itll happen some time soon. grrr, i really want to talk on the phone to you, but i have to go order my stupid transcript for the third time, and then get to sleep so i can take my mom to the doctors in 7 hours. oops. i love you poo poo
-other poo

To Jean Ann after forgetting her and Bruce's birthday, 6/8/04:
happy birthday to you
i wish i had a clue
maybe next time my head will have a better screw
happy birhtday to you




Day 39
Moon 18ish

Today's Tomorrow

Long fourth dimension no blog. How's it going?

Amma and I drove each other crazy yesterday and today. It's ok, tomorrow will be better. It's too bad, the week had been going so well, we were so harmonious and synergistic. Well geewillikers there I go expecting perfection again.

I grate carrots *like mice bitten*. I'm having trouble lighting matches, too. And my manner, in dance but even in normal interaction too, apparently, has a harshness to it that it didn't used to, that perhaps translates into Maami's calling it "manly" (I guess I'm just lucky she didn't say I have a microscopic brain or that I'm smelly like the flowers). I think they're all tied up together. Somehow I seem to be using too much pressure. I'm trying too hard. Like massage, reiki, how I take a long time to get in the groove because I'm trying to hard to find the right spot. Funny, I always see myself as knowing how to let go more than most, sometimes even too much. The free spirit, in the flow, easy-going and carefree, tripping the light fantastic. Perhaps Simon Baker aka Nick Fallin isn't the only one who needs to do some self-image analysis and consider the possibility of distorted perception. I'm always conscious, overly conscious, of how others perceive me, but apparently not enough, or, no. Not in the right way. It's time to get a Mirror Mirror on the Wall, a real one, not one of those stupid Look at you, you're hot shit, or Oh my god what are those craters in your skin mirrors.

Oh yeah, and hey, I'm manic. Or rather, bi-polar. Or rather, I have bi-polar disorder. Or rather, perhaps, I'm recovering from bi-polar disorder. Or perhaps, I have complex and intense body-mind that is still and might always be settling into equilibrium with its environment.

Or perhaps I am Goddess Manifest come to lead the world into its final stages of being. Shit, I shouldn't have said that last one because I mean it as a joke right now but in some states of mind I really think along those lines and that's just plain stupid. And one of the many things that tells me I'm bi-polar.

But I did immediately say no when Amma asked about a Riding for the Disabled Assocation event next weekend. And I did make the pain-free transition from planning very seriously to go to tonight's free 7hr Kathakali Mahabharata to staying home to catch up on TV, internet, Amma, and sleep, so maybe just maybe I'm learning to prioritize and equilibriate. Ha. Let's see what happens tomorrow. Speaking of TV, I GODDAM LOVE JUDGING AMY ITS THE BEST SHOW IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EXCEPT FOR GUARDIAN.

You know, I'd really like to Subvert The Dominant Paridigm and Dissolve The State but I don't know how. I hope I find out tomorrow.

Dear Diary, Shut the hell up. Goodnight.

day 24ish
moon 3ish
post ambikaaliilaa many. STILL wrapping up. screw it, no more update on this.

the State of the world

A worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was:

'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.