Monday, October 25, 2004

My primary reason is to be in solidarity with the occupied peoples of Iraq and Palestine.

Monday and Tuesday I didn't nap in the afternoon. Wednesday afternoon I crashed, Amma's office makeshift bed. I didn't go to Grant's talk. That evening didn't go to the supposed-to-be-really-good NUS band playing (for free) at UCC. Thursday I napped, but didn't go to the nature poetry night at Little Bali, whatever that is. Friday I performed (publically) Sri Ramacandra for the first time at the Ceylon Rd temple. Broke fast during the day because I was bleeding and going to be dancing. Danced the absolute best I've ever done. Broke my Muslic non-fast-day fast in a Hindu temple with Abu Dhabian dates, Iranian pistachios, and almonds and grapes from I don't know where.

Saturday was Vidyarambham Day. Maami's house all morning. For the next year, till next Vidyarambham, I'm dedicating myself to dainika nrita. Apparently. I say. Haven't the faintest what the shit that means.

Saturday night we saw a phenomenally badly done but well written play, the NUS theater graduation. Sunday morning Amma and I went shopping, veggies, fruits, grains, plants, tools. It was kind of stressful, not as fun as it could have been, but there were good times to be had even so. We got a parking ticket. Dammit.
Viv's mom took a turn for the worse. Amma went to visit her while Acchan and I went to see The story of the Weeping Camel in Mongolian with Shekhar, Vikram, Manjiri. Sunday night I didn't go to the PA performance after all. 60 buckaroos a down the drain, I have to be ok with that. Viv's mom still not better.

Today. Maami's rehearsal. Maybe Viv's mom. Jaikina and Omanatingal. Acchan's curriculum manifesto.

Day 4.
Moon goodness knows.
Fast 9 (11)
Wine 7
Ambikaaliilaa: Written, needs to be distributed. It's deliciously satisfying.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Fukuoka says No, there is nothing special about me, but what I have glimpsed is vastly important.

Reality is Nothing. What I say here is neither futile nor useful because to be either, there must be a goal, and Nothing cannot have a goal. But out of Nothing came something, and somebody, and I am somebody, and you are somebody too, though Dickinson may say a greater truth.

A perfect world may or may not exist in Time, but it can exist across another dimension. Our imagination. If it does not exist there, it will never exist anywhere else.

I woke up at 4:59. The alarm was set for 5. It was set that late because I realized I wasn't actually late the last few days, the sunrise is actually at 6:45 not 5:45. This is what comes of living in a highrise airconditioned curtained apartment. Instead of in the woods in a tent.

I had breakfast with Amma. I made spaghetti with Amma (and Mutashi) yesterday. We ate it and it was stupendously satisfying.

I did not nap yesterday, I really should today.

My left eye is fuzzy. I need new contacts. I wish I had better eyes, but I think, I hope, that I wish more that the people of Iraq and Palestine would peacefully oust their invaders and occupiers and renew their lives and their land.

Day 42ish
Moon 20ish
Ambikaaliilaa, crossing fingers for report to be distributable today.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004


Got up at 4:30 but I was still late with breakfast. Its cuz after yoga I did pranayama breathing stuff with Acchan.

So we were talking about what police had a right to arrest you for, like being naked in public, of course i'm like, no, he's like, its complicated, and we ended up making a pact for him to stop drinking tea and me to write a description of what i think the world should be. or something. i should check what exactly he wants. gah. maybe itll be a really good thing, especially if i can work the now-stewing play around it. acchan and i have been having a lot of arguments lately, mostly around power, and centers of power, and how to react to them, and the like.

amma forwarded me a message about the NUS group SAVE doing freecycling, which is the same idea as freestore. they were going off the idea on the website (or org. whatever). awesome. i want a group like that to do things with. maybe not exactly like that, but its a start. group group group alone alone alone, complain complain complain.

i'm looking forward to spaghetti today.

i'm looking forward to some of the emails i'm going to, not have to, write.

i'm looking forward to eating chocolate again.

i'm looking forward to eternal bliss, except when i get there i wont know it because there wont be anything to know.

shweeeeeeeeet. i'm not looking forward to typing more. i think i should find another way to let out and record my ideas, and communication.

bigideedoodah deal, talk talk talk, sit on ass ass ass.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Fuzzy words that thrust their chin forward

Yesterday I sat with Amma Acchan Acchamma Mutashi as they ate breakfast and lunch, and with Amma Acchan Uncle Balal Aunty Nagma as they had tea and snacks (a gorgeous tempting spread. Amma says the cutlets were excellent, she has to get the recipe.) 2 Delicious Hots with the first two meals, just conversation with the third. When we came back Mutashi made chapatis, dinner was late but great.

Breakfast was even better. Most excellent in fact. Yoghurt with honey, papaya, orange, banana, crackers with pesto dip and mint sauce. Deee-lish.

Rewind. I woke up this morning at 4:41. The alarm was set to ring in 4 minutes. About the same time as yesterday morning, but I slept like a baby the whole night, unlike night before.

Acchan is sick. Kidneys or something. Amma and Acchan are both pretty bad. Food awareness sounds good for all of us. Hopefully Mutashi being here will help us keep Acchamma happy without destroying our own stomachs. Not my own, actually, I've been pretty good even before the fast, except for a few binges, which if I learn to be not guilty about, and also not to extend past that day, shouldnt wreak too much havoc on my body.

So, food awareness. Yeah. But let's talk about Iraq and Palestine. That's my primary attention right? What do I do with this attention? Maybe I'm kidding myself, but I feel like yesterday's conversation with the Balal's and the upcoming possibility of attending mosque with him is a good start.

But that's a social change, and right now on a very individual level. Me understanding and supporting Islam and those under its umbrella doesn't change the very real political force and violence that is ravaging these two areas right now. Of course, as I go, I'm trying to let go of the desire to change things. Or maybe I should say, change things that are not in my control. And not try to gain control in order to change things.

Israel and the United States. If I weren't so anti-hatred I'd have a lot of hatred against them right now, which might even transfer to the people of the country rather than just the states which control them, (although, seriously the people are not often that separate from the State, it's not like they/we are blameless). It would be worse if I'd been affected more concretely, family or friend dying or something. Let's hope I'd still be anti-hatred.

There's a lot of hatred on the ground at these warzones. There's a lot of peaceful intention too, and perhaps I should be there, using myself to counter the hatred, support the peaceful. But I'm here not there and I'm sick of beating myself up about it. Seriously, shut up already. My time will come for the frontlines, the glory, the martyrdom, and hopefully, by that time I will not be doing it for those things, but simply because it is what I must do. For now I am here, I must be and help those around me be food aware and healthy, I must dance, I must read, I must MUST MUST write, I must still my mind, I must breathe full.

'Must' is starting to look funny now, I've written it so many times it's warping into a strange fuzzy chin-thrusting caterpillar thing.

Caterpillars are razing olive farms.
I make salad with extra virgin olive oil.
Some day I will raise an olive farm and
branches of peace will be born from the soil.

Day 40ish
Moon 20ish
Ambikaaliilaa, yeah yeah, this week, I promise.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Ramadan 2004

Friday was the start of Ramadan. I think it was also World Food Day, or maybe it was yesterday (Saturday). I was performing a couple items for Maami's Navaratri show Friday and Saturday so I put off starting the fast till today. Mutashi flew in yesterday, she and Acchamma saw the show. I went to Serene's friend's May's My-brother-left-for-Nepal dyke party for a tiny tiny spell. slept at 1 something.

I woke up this morning at 4:51. I wasn't sure whether to get up or not, my brain wasn't working, and i wanted more sleep, but i couldnt get real sleep with my mind on getting up to eat before sunrise, and i kept trying to work out a schedule for the morning based on yesterday's newspaper's report of 6:45 sunrise, so that I could know exactly when to get up. Gah. Schedules. Part of me shuns them, and would function just fine without them, if it could get rid of the other part of me that was so conditioned to use them to organize myself and feel more in control.

I did my bathroom stuff and made my bed without the light. it was nice. Went out to the den (we have a living room and what used to be the dining room which i'm now calling the den because i love the sound of a den) to do yoga. Ech. That phrase has such yuppie consumer connotations to it.
"Yes, I do yoga. It's just done wonders for my skin tone."
"Oh, I know, those things are supposed to be just wonderful, I'm thinking of taking up pilates. Or maybe kick-boxing, I can get great deals on both."

So, yeah, I did my yoga. Drank two Delicious Hots. Turned on Subhalakshmi Suprabathams. Acchan cut open the coconut from Durga's mom yesterday. I made honey raisin oatmeal, Acchan sat with me and talked about the exercises he was setting while I ate the oatmeal and drank the coconut water. I followed up with cucumber and feta cheese and finished up with chyavanaprasham and milk. It was starting to get light out. I think I may have ended too late. And I shouldn't have asked Acchan to sit with me, I should have continued in the mood I had built up.

The last few days haven't been so hot. I have a feeling I'm being hard on myself about everything. I need to let up. But this stage I'm in is pretty great, in general. Discipline is coming back to me. Knowing my flow is coming back to me. When knowing my flow really comes I won't even need discipline, I think.

And then when I sat down to write this I skimmed through some of my old entries. I dig em. And I don't care if noone else reads them, or theres something private in them and someone else reads them, I'm writing for me, I like writing and I like reading what I write, so tiddly pom pom.

This week I hope to finish and distribute BOSCO report, read Acchan's manifesto, and go through at least two old dances so I know them again. Check it. I'm out. Wash. Myself and clothes.

Day 39ish
Moon 19ish????
Ambikaaliilaa wrap-up, working on BOSCO report, finish line in sight

Saturday, October 09, 2004

the sent mail excerpts from 10/03 i thought i shmeleted or shlost.

Amma, Acchan, titled Bloop
is what maya writes things like in the middle of her mails.
let me turn that sentence right way up.
maya writes things like bloop in the middle of her mails.
verbal inversion. mental invasion.
the home. how about a real home? not an NGO type thing. lets start with where YOU both want to have a home (a home which i will also call home, regardless of where i happen to jet off to from there). so lets figure that out first. where do want to live the rest of your lives? and then we'll build it, and there will be children and other sorts of animals that will need a home and we will give it to them and build more if we need to, funds will come and go, home will always be. so where and how do you want to live?

To Malika Virdiz, first email, titled apprenticeship
To give you an idea of where I'm coming from (thought/belief/action-wise, especially), I went to college in California, and for the last couple years of school I lived in a cooperative house on campus that had a small garden, compost, tried to go organic, alternative living, blah blah, modern day hippie stuff, some call it. Since then I've been continuing my search for alternative living practices, whatever that might mean at the time. I'm prone to supporting organic food and products, but as part of a larger picture of sustainable and balanced living, not the yuppy niche market that the organic label has turned into so often. I like to know where my food comes from, who
gathered it, and I especially like that Who, the Who that gathers my food, to include me. Along the sustainability and balance lines, I'm currently in the process of seeking apprenticeships with various good souls in order to gather lifeskills to help my parents set up a home eventually, in which they will hold open the door, hold up the roof, and hold out a full plate, to whoever might want such things (especially to kids).
I'm also prone to supporting reasoned and cooperative freedom and sovereignty and autonomy. nilanjana mentioned you were involved in such a struggle. i'm not so sure of where you are geographically, but autonomy is autonomy, and the north of india is not neccessarily india, and nation states are arbitrarily defined by the rule of (a military) state and another world is possible.

Alpha, Acchan, Amma, August 14, 2004
illustrating the exploitation of entirely hypernumerated lexicalization

Molly Aeck, Zoe FC
dearest moldawg (and zoybean)
sometimes am so ever frustrated with myself for not being in NYC these past few days (and boston last month). that was so my plan was it not? what happened? how did i end up typing this to you from an internet cafe in trissur (india) listening to a cheezy early 90s song (i'll be two steps behind you, yeah-ee-eah, two steps) instead on the streets with la poder de la gente?
how long are you both there? whats happening? where next? shit dawgs, i hope youre peaceful and rowdy and healthy and happy. tear it up a little extra for me will you?

David Solnit, Sept 1
saw the book on akpress site just the day before i got this email, didnt have time to write and felicitate because computers keep blowing up or freezing on me.
i'm in india visiting family and experiencing strange concoctions of belonging and alienation at the same time. i thought i was supposed to be at RNC in NYC right now, but apparently i wasnt supposed to be, after all.
manipur, a state in north east india is on fire. the people want the state to remove the armed forces special powers act, at the very least. at the most extreme they want autonomy, independence, like many of the northern areas of this increasingly powerful country. while the cops beat down on them last week, india's politicians commemorated india's independence day and india's freedom fighters like gandhi etc. i wasnt sure whether to laugh or cry or puke. manipur features nowhere in the world news i think, no?
still, i read about gaiia and am happy that she will survive whether or not we do.
hoping youre healthy and happy and tearing it up. paz.

Adrian Guzman, Sept 5
the day has come, the day is here, happy birthday!!!
what with computers blowing up on me or at the very least, freezing EVERY single TIME i try and use it, and me being sort of travellish on the go right now, i didnt know if i'd get to email in time, and now its not actually your birthday here anymore but if my calculations serve me correctly, which they never do of course, it should be only 4:30 (3:30?) in the afternoon and you should be gearing up to have the wildest party ever with your family, going all out with the ambrosia you've never tasted that we sophistes call "le buuz".
how was RNC?!!!! please be my eyes ears and heart and tell all thank you yes.
spiderman 2 is the only one on your list i've seen, it sucks the biggest fattest mama monkey kaka ever. i went to an int'l film fest in trissur, saw some really good stuff there.
outtie. back in singapore on sept 27, probably talk to you only after that. once again, hoping youre having a good one, mr.

Lakshmi Gopal, Sept 5
gaaaar! last time i tried to reply to your message the computer froze. it was very long. now its all gone. such is life. easy come easy go. nothing is forever, infinity is forever, infinity is nothing. see, the thing about table yoga is that there wouldnt even be table yoga. i think i let you run away with that idea too fast and far. its not the table thats important. the concept behind the yoga that involves the table, if it is even a yoga, (what exactly is a yoga?) is realizing that everything, including the table or the coasters, or the cockroach or a) all made of the same essential stuff, energy, ki, chi, whatever (heard of string theory? exciting stuff. the physicists in this area talk ever so metaphysically its wonderful. whether theyre right about strings or not, the concept is much usable), and b)that all of these things, Me, the table the coasters cockroach and... are all part of a larger whole, shall we say, the room, which is part of a larger whole, perhaps the apartment, and so on and so on, until the larger whole is everything, One. when someone takes us away from that table and room and apartment, we are perfectly at peace because we know that being away is in a way an illusion, because we are always present with everything since we are part of that One that is everything. using the table as a starting point becuase it happens to be in front of us, these two ideas are what we devote ourselves to in this unnamed yoga, not the table itself. in the step with the table, we might consider the wood that table is made from, the tree that it used to be, the person who cut it and nailed it, now this is definitely no longer a yoga, its gone too wide. i dont know. but have i remoevd the idea from your head that i'm worshipping a table, or a table god? are you back in india? what are you up to? i'm in panamanna(near ottapalam) leaving back for singapore from madras ont he 26th. see you soon fellow world wanderer. ammu malavika

Shashi, Oct 1, titled Andaz
.is the word i was looking for, that d-word that meant cooking without
a recipe and just putting things together by intuition or whatever, and you and prita were helping/confusing me by throwing out all these d-words, yeah well apparently its not a d-word, although it does have a d in it.
when you came to panamanna on a whim that day we were going to kottakal, the last two things i said to you while you were leaving were 1) when you said something about being my long lost uncle i said you can stay lost as long as you want, and 2) when you tried to start your bike i jokingly offered to start it for you. neither of these meant, or did (i think) any harm, but as you rode off i had a sudden and stupid flash of how i would feel if you crashed and died and these were the last things i said to you and i wished i had instead said that i really respected the way you cut short and wound up our coca cola argument with the spot-on insight that we both probably essentially agreed anyway, and that i was glad you made
a surprise visit because it was nice to see you even briefly. and then
you came riding back to get the thing you forgot and i was gladder than glad and i felt like i had been given a second chance. i think from now on when a parting is taking place i'll take more care to say things i really feel about the person (if i like em, if not, i'll just shut the hell up) instead of trying to be funny and quippy and sarcastic.
i forgot to warn you that a package might be coming from sasi in
bangalore, if it comes/has come, can you tell me what it is, and then
just keep it there, i'll pick it up next time?
hi and love to p-dawg and ben-dawg

Denali, Ank, Oct 2
deenyloonybali (and ank, i'm cc'ing you on this because after i started writing it i realized i would eventually be saying many of the same things to you too)
bah humbug, you took 5 weeks to reply, i took two months. 5 weeks or two months is one molecule on the southern tip of a speck of dust on the horizon of existence.
i'm back in singapore, back from india where i was roasting eggplants and having sex with other (?) americans, the question mark is because i'm no longer "american", but in fact i dont really need a question mark because the sex didnt really happen and the eggplants were usually fried not roasted. truth is, i spent a lot of time with different parts of family. i saw parts of india i havent seen but i didnt do anything revolutionary. thats ok. i'm ok with that. now what next?
when am i coming. to brazil. yes see you know how the plan i tell you one month is likely to be the very opposite of what i'll tell you the next? DNC RNC new york brazil now i just dont know. bangalore is figuring on the horizons. it calls. from there, i might just be called to a farm in the northern rural regions of india, where there are autonomy struggles and organic strawberries. apparently i'm focusing in on india. part of that is to be able to fly to my parents without a humungabungabus cost, both in terms of money and in terms of fuel. i think i've used up more than my fair share of jet fuel for the rest of my lifetime. also, if i get arrested for, say, standing in front of the construction of a highway or a dam, i will not be using the normal recourses of the law, because i no longer abide by the US nor any other state's legal obligations, and there is  a chance i'll have my passport taken away, or something like that, (because passports, i think, are the closest thing to an implicit acknowledgement and validation of a state's control over us) and if i get stuck anywhere i want it to be in india so, again, i can get to my parents or i can get to them.
theyre almost definitely settling in india to build this home of ours that i'm in the process of gathering lifeskills and knowledge for (even if i do get around to taking natural building lessons, i'll still be needing folks to come and help and advise, so keep that plan in mind denali. ankh, denali has promised to come help build our home, you in?). i went to a region in the hills of northern kerala to scope it out. its bliss. nirvana. paradise. gods own country, as kerala is advertised in all tourism promotions. blech. anyway, it might not be there, it might be somewhere else, so if i go to bangalore i can explore more options, while at the same time getting the opportunity to expand on the dance work i'm doing now, and do the theatre work i'm so craving.
i havent mentioned all this to my parents yet, i think because i'm now so traumatized by my own electron-like planning skills. (like an electron jumping invisibly from one orbit to another, here one minute, there the next, ah yes you see?) i'm now hesitant to tell them something because itll start getting firmer in my mind and then when, not if, i change my mind i'll feel yet more impossibly foolish. i mean. what if i crumble under my guilt and fury and go to iraq because i have this vague notion i should be raging against the machine there, instead of sitting here and finding peace and bliss and enlightenment?
anyhoo. december comes round soon enough, regardless of whether i'm ready for it or not, and the next leg of my life will begin.
so, hermosos, no se cuando nos recontraramos. is that right? i've lsot my little spanish. i'm hoping to get around to taking that dictionary in one hand, my cien anos de soledad in the other to mash my eyes over both.
out i am, kiddos. the TV is distracting me, i cannot see your faces anymore to be able to converse.

Monday, October 04, 2004


Yesterday's excerpts page didn't make it. I think I left the page without publishing. Words. All words. I'm needing unshackling from words anyway right?

This blog is jinxed. Every time I open it up my mind goes blank. All those words, those words, words, go flitshit out of my head. Which is why I was storing my sent mail excerpts here. That's not gonna work. There's a privacy issue that's getting conflicted with, both mine and my receivers privacy, and I'm all about resolving conflict. So I'm resolving the sent mail out of this blog. And I'm unjinxing the jinx.

Unjh, mophala obata rr.eun foshnit
Unjh, ka.eumpeuu ta bi-dan-folkae

I think i know i type.

I'm sleepy. That's why I'm grumpy today. And I keep remembering that for a split minute and then it's gone forgotten, and I'm irritated at the world and irritated at myself for being irritated at the world. Hehe. That's kind of funny.

I'm less irritated now. I think I can go and write to real people now.