Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Blurry Eyes

No longer sleepy. Blurry though. I think I got me some lense issues. Crossing fingers for Lasik to pull through.
2 hours left to stuff my head with the right steps in the right order to be done with fullness of energy and elegance of expression. Maybe Amma was right in asking if I should cancel today's class. I suck big time for having snapped at her yesterday.
The last few days have whispered, then shouted at me to go blank on any and all future planning. White space. No, black space. Well, colorless space. Space for me to figure out what I actually want and need to do. That's why I asked What's My Cause yesterday. From now till April 18, My Cause is to prepare to do this performance in as rich a way possible. Richness of aesthetics. Richness of collections for BOSCO. Richness of education about the world we are leaving for our children.
Side-cause, passing my french class on April 22 and getting the french units and the fall theater class units transferred that I can get my rectangle of calligraphied dead tree that says I'm an educated person fit to rule the world.
So there. And then? DNC and RNC are so hard to give up, but give up I must before I can consciously decide to take them up again.
I'm starting small. Brief mind emptying meditation sessions. Conscious actions like picking up a cup. Turning on a faucet. The way my shoulders are when I sit. How deep I breathe in. The slackness of my jaw and brow. What I'm chewing and swallowing.
Gah. Nonsense, all of it, it means nothing in the end, so what on earth am I after? Yet, precisely because it does mean nothing in the end is why I'm after it, because if it is infinitely nothing, then I am infinitely free to make it anything and everything.
Enough deeply meaningless PeepeeKaka. Back to the boob tube to watch myself swing my limbs around.

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