Lost

Lost a tooth today.
Lost my compassion for Amma's pain. Now stonefaced in response to her spine surrendered grimace. Go on with my life as if hers is fine and dandy. Heart is frozen into a routine that some might call Life.
Lost time. Accosted the moon, but she knows not where it went, nor how to help me find it.
Lost direction. Turning in circles of karma and dharma that rhyme but don't reason.

No seriously. If tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, then today should dissolve with the rest of my ego. Instead it swells into the gaping hole in my gums where my wisdom once pretended to be.

Wonderful. How many words. How little me.
Sleep comes now. Life, follows?
I hope.

Day 27
Moon 23ish. It's more than a half, let's leave it at that.
Ambikaaliilaa long gone.

Yesterday

was April 7, one year after the Docks. The Anarchist Bookfair black curls boy was there. Shannon got hit by a "less lethal" wooden dowel. She was protected by her cell phone which shattered. We were so utterly dejected after being fired upon by our law enforcers from behind as we were walking away from them when they told us to move, but on the reclaim the streets march afterwards someone found a dumpster full of donuts which made everything right again. We dove and grabbed. Someone left a bag of donuts as a present for the cops back at the train station. For once I didn't object to the pig/donut stereotype insult thing.
A human rights report (click will download, the US section is on pdf page 151) to the UN commission on April 2 included a condemnation of the Oakland PD for the actions that day. KRON 4 had it on their website way down low. I didn't find many other reports in mainstream media. The US State Dept has not responded to the report.

we received our Boni for Ambikaaliilaa from Dr. Sen. He can't even come to the show because his daughter will be in town from London and they're going to Phuket. The world is full of gorgeous hearted individuals.

was Biju ettan's birthday, I'd better go email him.

Day 6
Moon 2ish
Ambikaaliilaa in 9.

This one's for Adrian.

Adrian Guzman, it may be said honestly, has a strange and wonderful sense of humor. And he takes Funny seriously. I mean, he makes lists, thats how seriously. He has this curious way of putting away little nuggets of Funny for when he's in a pissy mood or bored on the train, a scene to take out and replay and laugh again, like a junkie takes his hit when he's come down too much.
I never really understood it. I mean, I loved that I could make him laugh without even knowing what I did that was so funny, and I loved that he would repeatedly bring up certain things that I had said or done, it was a terrific ego booster. But I didn't get it till recently, when I've found myself doing the same thing. It hit me a couple nights ago, when I was winding things down for the day. I was desperately trying to remember what my dad had said as we were washing the dishes just an hour ago that had given me some tasty chuckles to accompany my rinsing process. It was really bugging me, for no apparent reason, that i couldn't remember. i could sort of recreate the feeling it had created in me, the bubble in my tummy of something i shall call amusement for lack of a better word (i've been having issues with access to words last couple days), and i could get an ethereal whiff of the rhythm behind the phrase he said, and the accent, i mean, i knew there was a "jhi" somewhere, but i couldnt get it right, and it bugged me.
The next day I got it. He told me to rinse, he would soap, (thats the way we always do it) I said why, and with perfect timing, "dibijhun of laybhur", in a rhythm and shaping of mouth and tongue i will never be able to imitate, so dont ask. And if you dont know what he said, think UP/Bihar belt accent and say it again and again till you get it.
Thrill, Joy, Relief, excellent. But i only realized why i needed to get it when i told my dad i got it, and recreated the tummy bubble again, a much needed release at a time when i was getting knotted up about something that was going on that day.
Tadaaa. Nugget. Stored.
I get it now.
Thanks adrian.