Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Discovering the grass-stains on the shoes on the other side of the fence.

Whoa. What the hell.
There was this girl I past in the hallway, Hi, hi, how are you, good how are you, good, done. She seemed to recognize me, must have been from Robin's theatre class. She was damn cute. Mostly her presentation, she really knew how to look good, and more importantly look interesting, in a cute girly way.
I was hit by a big fat brick of acute awareness of my bob do, not even gelled up cute today, and frumpy stupid polo shirt, at once both jealous of her as a woman who wants TO attract and a woman who is attracTED. Chick Brick. I felt like a shy gawky geek GUY. Might feel. I felt like he might feel.
How weird. All my swan life, (after my ugly duckling phase exploded into bits that reformed a newfound self-esteem) I've been unconsciously and unconsciously striving and finally being that girl, that unattainable passing fleeting vision of charming glory. I pictured something that i found desirable, and eventually embodied it to the nth degree.
But especially since I've cut my hair i've fallen down the rabbit hole on the other side, the watcher, not the watched, the wanter, not the wanted. I havent been there since my ugly duckling days, when i used to watch my Greek God at play and wish i was pretty enough to make him want his antics to catch my eye. My eye was caught, he didn't give a rat snot. I was perpetually eternally devastated. Those scars still haven't healed, no matter how fine my swan feathers grew. And plus, when i finally started cruising across the swanly lake i realized it wasnt all it was cracked up to be. the hot girls arent any happier, at peace, fulfilled. sometimes its even worse.
And now the tongue in my heart curls up again in stumbling inadequacy, but this time the duckling and the swan have collided into a mess of identity bewilderment.
This business of breaking the chains of heterosexual thought processes is the pits, man. woman. whatever. i dont know what i want anymore, and even when i thought i knew what i wanted i never EVER got it, so what am i supposed to do NOW?
I mean, enlightenment wise, its fun, its totally the right direction, the next depth of connection to people, regardless of sex or gender, and leaving the sexual attraction out of it to come later if and only if it does, thats the way to go, like i've been giving lip service to all this time. and now i can actualize it, live it. but its new ground for me, its constantly confounding, and it means being a yo-yo between inner peace and contented self-image on the one side and crumbly flaky superficial posing stemming from lack of self-esteem. One minute the bodhisatva, the next, just an average Joeshmoe JaneDoe.
Gah, i say, gah. Then I say it again. Gah.
Tell you what, when i really reach enlightment i'll have complete control over my world, and i'll just make it such that i have a harem of stunningly beautiful smart funny kind people across the gender spectrum, and i'll pick from them to accompany me through each day like i pick my cds for a drive, and i myself will be a shimmering morph of ether that envelops the world as both its essence and its mirror.


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