Saturday, June 05, 2004

Today's Tomorrow

Long fourth dimension no blog. How's it going?

Amma and I drove each other crazy yesterday and today. It's ok, tomorrow will be better. It's too bad, the week had been going so well, we were so harmonious and synergistic. Well geewillikers there I go expecting perfection again.

I grate carrots *like mice bitten*. I'm having trouble lighting matches, too. And my manner, in dance but even in normal interaction too, apparently, has a harshness to it that it didn't used to, that perhaps translates into Maami's calling it "manly" (I guess I'm just lucky she didn't say I have a microscopic brain or that I'm smelly like the flowers). I think they're all tied up together. Somehow I seem to be using too much pressure. I'm trying too hard. Like massage, reiki, how I take a long time to get in the groove because I'm trying to hard to find the right spot. Funny, I always see myself as knowing how to let go more than most, sometimes even too much. The free spirit, in the flow, easy-going and carefree, tripping the light fantastic. Perhaps Simon Baker aka Nick Fallin isn't the only one who needs to do some self-image analysis and consider the possibility of distorted perception. I'm always conscious, overly conscious, of how others perceive me, but apparently not enough, or, no. Not in the right way. It's time to get a Mirror Mirror on the Wall, a real one, not one of those stupid Look at you, you're hot shit, or Oh my god what are those craters in your skin mirrors.

Oh yeah, and hey, I'm manic. Or rather, bi-polar. Or rather, I have bi-polar disorder. Or rather, perhaps, I'm recovering from bi-polar disorder. Or perhaps, I have complex and intense body-mind that is still and might always be settling into equilibrium with its environment.

Or perhaps I am Goddess Manifest come to lead the world into its final stages of being. Shit, I shouldn't have said that last one because I mean it as a joke right now but in some states of mind I really think along those lines and that's just plain stupid. And one of the many things that tells me I'm bi-polar.

But I did immediately say no when Amma asked about a Riding for the Disabled Assocation event next weekend. And I did make the pain-free transition from planning very seriously to go to tonight's free 7hr Kathakali Mahabharata to staying home to catch up on TV, internet, Amma, and sleep, so maybe just maybe I'm learning to prioritize and equilibriate. Ha. Let's see what happens tomorrow. Speaking of TV, I GODDAM LOVE JUDGING AMY ITS THE BEST SHOW IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EXCEPT FOR GUARDIAN.

You know, I'd really like to Subvert The Dominant Paridigm and Dissolve The State but I don't know how. I hope I find out tomorrow.

Dear Diary, Shut the hell up. Goodnight.

day 24ish
moon 3ish
post ambikaaliilaa many. STILL wrapping up. screw it, no more update on this.


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